Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Current mood: Mixed Emotions
I went to see my oncologist back in CT yesterday. It was time for my 6 month check up. I had to go back to the Cancer Center. See I chose to have my chemo done at a satellite office. The Cancer Center was not for me, it's attached the hospital and I hated going there. The smells of hospitals get to me. I have to admit I had mixed emotions. I knew it was going to be hard but I was excited to see my chemo nurse, Helen. Just walking into the Cancer Center brought tears to my eyes. It brings me back to a time I would rather forget.
They quickly called my name and I was off to get my finger pricked to make sure my counts were good. I hate having blood work done. I think it's the fear of finding something wrong.
While I was waiting in my oncologists examining room I was looking at all the certificates and degrees she had earned and then it hit me. I hated this room! This was the room where I was told that I was going to start my chemo that next Monday and my surgery was cancelled. This is the room where I cried. Of course it was different today, but sometimes it's hard to not have the past creep back.
During my visit with my oncologist she informed me that it was time to have my port removed. My heart sank. I love my port! See I'm one of those people that you cannot find a vein on. I can't imagine going back to being stuck with needles.....NO! My port has been part of me since June 2007, I don't want to say good-bye.
One of the sucky things is that my scars from the port have healed really nice and aren't that noticeable anymore. Now I have to start all over with a new scar; waiting for it to heal and blend with the rest of my skin.
After my visit with the oncologist I went to get my port flushed and caught up with my chemo nurse. I love Helen! As I was sitting in the recliner waiting for her, I found myself staring at the guy across from me. He was sleeping and I looked up at his chemo pump and heard that all too familiar sound. I hate that sound, the clicking of the chemo pump. Listening to the poison enter your body. WOW! I started to cry and had to compose myself quickly as Helen entered the room with my port flushing kit. She flushed me and gave me a huge hug and then she was off to the next patient.
I headed to the receptionist to schedule my next 6 month appointment. I wanted out of there! It was just getting to be too much.
I still can't believe that my two year D-Day is coming up. March 8, 2007 my life would change forever.